It’s a heavy, rainy day in my heart, and as I sit down to write, I find myself overcome by yet another wave of loss. This moment carries a delicate, painful rhythm, woven with the threads of “if only.”

Each thread tugs at my heart, dragging me through a labyrinth of unspoken words and unresolved feelings. Moments replay in my mind like nagging movie scenes, each representing a road I didn’t take. I now often wonder if Kay would still be here had I made different choices along the way.

Bargaining isn’t just a plea for an altered reality; it’s a tapestry of emotions spun from love and longing. It stands as a testament to the depth of my yearning—a desperate quest for understanding amid chaos.

I find myself combing through the details, scrutinizing my decisions, and weaving what-ifs into a narrative where my daughter still smiles at me each morning. It’s a mental waltz set against the backdrop of questions that echo in the chambers of my heart.

These imagined bargains, though impossible, serve as my silent soliloquies. They sing of a love so profound that it defies time and space. Through this delicate dance, I search amidst the stillness of what cannot be changed.

Perhaps, someday, I will find peace. But for today, the chains of mourning remain tight—no pause from the ache in my heart. And so, I keep dancing the dark waltz, whispering, “Lord, I seek the strength to move forward.”

Isaiah 41:10

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”